30.


THIS IS NOT A QUARTER LIFE CRISIS.

Today is my birthday. I've been having existential thoughts.

I am not the same person I was ten years ago. For one, my brain has fully developed (i think) and I am much more capable of rational thought. I am more self aware and am more careful with my words. I don't eat mounds of candy and I know (for the most part) what truths (& lies) my artwork can tell. I am more grounded.

I am not the same person I was five years ago. Cigarettes were nice while they lasted, but my lungs feel so much better now. I have learned first hand art burns and damage control. I have learned to take things day by day (sort of) and to run a classroom like clockwork. I no longer live and breathe my artwork (I sometimes wish I still could): reality can be a cold awakening but it's warming to wake up to people who have been awake a little longer than you.

I am not the same person I was a year ago. I eat carbs. They are delicious. I must have had some serious willpower and commitment to give them up for six months. If I go two days without tennis I feel like the world is ending. I know more about myself than I ever did before. My true likes and dislikes. And compromising and not compromising. I don't define myself my gender. I know I don't look the age I am. I know I don't feel the age I am (in my mind somehow things are different but they feel the same, or I feel the same). I know I am hard on myself, but I know its because I think I can do better.

I don't reread my blog posts.

But I just did, because I know I communicate better that way.

I'm still not sure if that made sense to anyone but me, but hey, no one reads these anyway. :)

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© 2020 Kathleen McDonald

West Indies | California SF Bay Area